I pick up pace and quickly make my way to the check out, where i start praying i will find a female cashier. My mind races with the thought of what will the results of this little box reveal? I choose my cashier slowly, knowing the older lady will peer at me and sneer at what i am bringing to her, the other younger cashier will understand but as i lay the box in front of her, i get that all knowing look the one i know if this box says yes i will have to live with for the rest of my young life. I collect my bag and bolt out the door. I run to my b.f's car hopping in and slamming the door. He drives off knowing in a matter of minutes we will find out if our life is forever altered.
I get out of the car and make my way to the house trying to walk slow enough so it does not look like i am on a mission. I stumble past my parents and finally to the bathroom. I shut the door and peer at the girl in the mirror. You can do this, just open the box. I look down at the pink box i hold tightly in my hands as tears start to roll down my face. I rip it open and the instructions fall out on the floor. I pick them up unfold the paper, and begin to read how to preform this task i have in front of me.
I walk to the toilet sit down and begin the journey. I place the test on the back of the toilet and walk back to the mirror. I turn on the water wash my hands, and throw water on my face. Wake up damn you, you did this to yourself. What seems like hours were only minutes. I walk back to the toilet and peer down at the tiny white stick that was peering at me on the back of the toilet. Pink plus, i grab the paper only to rip it in desperation. Pink plus = positive. I am pregnant. I carry a life within me.
I fall to the ground holding my abdomen, thoughts rush through my mind. The option creeps into my mind, but i tuck it slowly away in the dark corners of my 15 year old mind. I walk out and he is standing there, the father of our child, the man who gave me the other half to this life i now need to look after.
I sit in my room day after day knowing i am now the host to this tiny being in my womb. This being who i will one day hold in my arms. I smile knowing i will have someone who will love me no matter what, someone i will get to take care of and show the love my parents so selfishly deprived me of.
The call comes, my school wants to do what, they dare challenge me on this. I am more scared now then when i plucked that pink box off that shelf. Only one thing i can think of, one simple solution i can think of to keep this from happening. I can not and will not do this on my own. That thought i tucked away 12 weeks ago now screams at me. I must, i have to. It is done.
I now sit in my room day after day, feeling my abdomen where a life ONCE was, that tiny heartbeat, knowing i will never hold my baby in my arms, never feel the warmth of its skin on mine. Never to see their eyes open and peer into my soul. Never to feel the tiny hands wrap around my finger. Never to hear the I love you mommy, i so desperately wanted to hear. What if, what if. I can't let that take hold of me. I need to be strong for her. Yes her, i felt the bond, the connection, it was a her.
I can feel the hatred around me, i do hear the snickers behind my back, but i am strong, i will be strong for you my dear sweet baby. You are my guiding hope in this hatred filled world, this non understanding, unforgiving world. You, Ashlyn Marie, are my light, you will forever be in my heart and in my mind. I will see you and we will be together, rest in piece my beautiful soul.
Mommy Loves You!
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